Wednesday, 2 November 2011

2nd Draft

I wasn't too happy with the text cards so swapped them out with these new ones. Back in to do some tidying up now as well as title screens.


  1. Hey Big Fella :D

    Really sorry for the delay in feeding back. There's been a combination of various 'must do' stuff and this is the first time I've been able to engage properly with your work. I'm just going to feedback specifically, recommending some cuts etc. and reacting to it as a 'stranger'.

    okay: @ 20secs you fade out the footage, introduce the orange border and bring in the text and the droplet footage. There's something a bit scrappy about this transition - too many changes from that clean, stylised and nicely controlled opening sequence with the water particles. Originally, you had the camera entering one of the water particles so it was clear that the water particles themselves are not the mucus particles. Right now it appears as if the blue water particle turns green - or, if the opening sequence of the airborne water particles is of mucus particles - which start off blue. It may break your heart, but it just seems to me that we need that actual footage of the camera moving into the water droplet - inside of which we find the mucus particle to properly orientate us. Also - I think you could afford not to grey out the action or introduce a border for the text - is there a simpler way?

    Don't hate me, but I suggest you lose the entire scene in which the droplet enters the nasal cavity. It just slows your film down and doesn't provide any additional info beyond that provided by the text. I predict that audiences will be confused by the difference between the idea of the 'nasal cavity' and the crystalline environment they're watching. Cut directly to the cillial cells by combing the text. You need to trim this scene too - it feels long, probably around the 56 sec mark? What you have to avoid is the experience of us just watching and waiting. Likewise, I think if you started the next shot @ 1.12 sec - as the virus arrives at the base of cilla, the pace will just tighten and the energy won't dissipate.

    I'll feedback more tommorrow - but my general view would be that all your shots could be trimmed at their start/end points to 'cut to the chase' - and also to reconsider how you introduce those text elements; I know that's a toughie, but the white-out + border + orange colour just seems too 'different'. Have you considered (and this is maybe an aftereffects thing) an approach similar to this?

  2. Hi Phil, thanks for the feedback, I wont post up draft 6 with soundscape just yet then, especially with the subtle whoosh as the text appears :).

    I know that editing is definitely not my forte, so all comments are noted. I am currently re-rendering 1:07 through to 1:30ish so they tie in better with the remainder of the sequence.
    I think with the text I was trying to keep it "simple" i.e not fall into the trap of After Effects over use I have a couple of hours tomorrow to play further.

    R.E. the Nasal Scene... Kill your darlings?

  3. that should have read 'combining the text' not 'combing it' - whoops!

  4. Really, I had just gone and got an affro comb ready. Bugger.